A Male Virgin's Guide
to Sex

the grey star picture

    What makes me qualified?

    Well, I'm male, I'm a virgin, and I have been for the last 24 years.  And no, I'm not going to tell you when one of those things changes.
    That being said, I've had quite a lot of time (while not dating...) to read up on the topic.  Here is a summary of the apparently best ideas among the more intelligent and useful suggestions I've heard.

    Masturbation

    Oh, I'm sorry.  Was I supposed to act like masturbation is something dirty that I'm not supposed to talk about in polite company?  Well, tough.  Everybody does it (well, everybody with a strong sex drive and enough brains to figure out how) male or female, young or old. 
    If your religion says that masturbation is wrong, that's fine.  Just don't go insisting to me that it's in the bible.  It's not.  (Don't quote te Genesis 38 story either.  You know, the one about "Onan spilled his seed on the ground, which greatly offended the Lord, so he put him to death also." is always taken out of context.  You've really gotta' read more than one sentance, folks.  In Deuteronomy (oddly enough AFTER Genesis, but that's another story) it says that if a man dies without offspring, his brother should have sex with the widow and the children will be raised as though they were children of the dead brother.  Onan was in this situation, but instead of finishing the sex normally, he pulled out toward the end (thus spilling his seed).  The idea of having kids this way is so that there'll be somebody to inherit the dead bother's property.  In most cultures around that time, women had a hard time owning large properties on their own.  Without a male child to declare as the owner of record, she probably had to essentially let Onan have it.  So essentially, Onan's crime was stealing his brother's inheritance.  Ya' see?  The bible actually has interesting stories in it if you read more than one chapter at a time.)
    Anyway, getting to the point: I believe that everybody should masturbate at least a few dozen times in their life (I know of no upper limit as long as you don't hurt yourself physically) to learn how their own sexual reactions work.  How can you expect to ever learn how to make somebody else sexually happy if you can't even figure out how to take care of yourself? 
    On to technique.  I am circumcised (unfortunately.  I didn't have much say in the matter, being zero years old at the time.) but not too tightly circumcised.  This means that I can masturbate by sliding the skin of my penis along the shaft, but since I don't quite have enough skin there, it isn't very comfortable.  That means that I normally use lubricant.  My normal choice is aloe vera gel.  If you use the stuff, be careful NOT to get the kind with lidocaine or any other kind of whatevercaine in it.  This stuff is a topical pain reliever, which means it dulls the feeling in the skin.  That kind of defeats the whole purpose of masturbation, unless you're going for some kind of endurance record.  See Jackinworld for more information on technique than I could ever possibly even try, much less explain.
    For apparatus, most men don't really need any extra equipment (beyond the relevant anatomy), but I do own a fleshlight (a pocket pussy disguised to look like a flashlight) which works pretty well.

    Getting a Date

    How in the world would I know?  I'm in college and I haven't had a date in years.  My method thus far has been good personal hygein, exercise, and be a nice guy.  That hasn't worked so far.  I'm not quite ready to try the smelly slothful jerk role yet, but I've thought about it.

    Foreplay

    This is one part that men never seem to understand.  It's pretty hard for a man to be having sex when he's not sexually excited, but women physically can.  For most women it's also pretty unpleasant.  Since people generally won't do something again if it hurts the first time, let's try to make sure that doesn't happen.  More than that however, if she enjoys the experience, she'll probably do it again.  Remember psychology 101: positive reinforcement = do it again, negative reinforcement = don't do it again.
    Let's start with the non-physical aspects.  Women are much more emotional/psychological about sex than we are.  Keep that in mind; bring her a present (even flowers).  I know it doesn't make much sense, but the consensus among married men is that it works.  Remember things about her.  Uh... read Cosmo or a romance novel or something for ideas.  I must admit I still don't understand this part very well.
    Next, let's start with a woman's erogenous zones (this is approximately the order you should use them, but every woman is different.  Learn what makes yours tick before you take MY word too seriously.  Remember how I'm a virgin?):
    Lips  Kiss her already, you idiot (well, make sure she's interested in the idea first.  Who wants to kiss an ear?).  Who cares if you don't know how?  Just try.  If she's attracted to you, she'll find kissing you to be a sexually exciting experience.  If she's not, then...  well... you've got some work to do.  Oh, and focus on the lips.  The tongue is okay, but the lips are the part with the really impressive density of nerve endings.
    Nipples  She's already naked, right?  You could rub her nipples if you want, but for my money the best bet is to lick them.  The entire areola (that darker skin area around the nipple) should be pretty sensitive, so take your time and make the rounds.  A good fraction of women are turned on by this.  Yeah, I know this one doesn't work worth crap on men.  We aren't wired up the same way.  Face it.
    Inner Thighs  The entire area from knees to crotch, on the inside part of the legs could be erogenous.  It depends on what kind of woman you drew out of the hat.  Try rubbing her there and see what happens.
    Labia  The labia, both major and minor, have heightened sexual sensation.  Give it a shot, see how she likes it.

    Vanilla

    When you're actually having sex, remember that there are two areas that will actually get a woman to orgasm.  Just following the program:
Undress you;
Undress her;
while(orgasm != true){
    Insert penis into vagina;
    Remove penis from vagina;
}
Sleep;
is unlikely to bring most women to orgasm more than one time out of ten.  This brings me to the topic of faked orgasms.  How can you tell if she's faking it?  If you haven't noticed, a woman can scream anything she wants, and it doesn't mean she's having an orgasm.  The best way I can think of is to feel whether her vagina is pulsating (ie rhythmically squeezing your penis).  From what I know, this is one of those involunary orgasm responses that most women have (kind of like how ejaculation is an involunatary orgasm response for men).  If that method doesn't work, I can't help you. 
    A man will almost always have an orgasm during sex.  If you're not, well, that's a problem I don't know an answer to.  Just keep working at it?  A woman, on the other hand, will not necessarily orgasm.  Worse yet, it generally takes a woman longer to get to orgasm than it does a man, so some women go years having sex with their boyfriend/husband with nary an orgasm (except self-inflicted).  Women have two different highly erogenous organs, and some women say that their orgasms from each are qualitatively different (Sigmund Fraud called clitoral orgasms "immature" and G-spot orgasms "mature", but he was a complete nutjob, so what do you care what he thought?) while other women feel they're the same.  To try to deal with that, here are the two things you want to focus on when having vaginal sex:

    Clitoris  At the place where the labia majora come together, there is nub of flesh.  Nope, that whole thing is NOT the clitoris.  A good part of that is the clitoral hood.  If you pull the hood back in just the right way (analogous to pulling back the foreskin for an uncircumcised man but beyond that I cannot describe in words.  See here and here.) you will expose the clitoris.  DO NOT just start rubbing it hard.  For some women the clitoris is very sensitive.  Just rubbing the area around it, or touching it very softly might be enough.  Too much stimulation of the clitoris can cause quite a bit of pain (imagine a strong person grabbing your penis and just squeezing hard.  I'm not saying this is a good analogy, just my best guess.  How would I know?  I don't have a clitoris.) so work the stimulation up slowly and see what level she responds best to.  This works best if you tell her what you're going to do before hand, so she gives you audible feedback (ie Yes, yes...   ooh, not so much...  yes...)
    If you're having face to face sex (especially if she's on top) there will probably be enough friction on the labia that the clitoris gets some stimulation.  If you're doing doggy-style, it's good manners to reach around her side and find the clitoris or thereabouts with a finger or three.  Make sure she's enjoying the process too.

    G-spot  The real advantage that men with a very large penis have over the rest of us is in G-spot stimulation.  The G (or Graffenberg
) spot is a place inside a woman's vagina, usually on the front-facing wall several centimeters inside.  This spot is not excessively sensitive like the clitoris.  The best way to stimulate the G-spot is with strong rhythmic pressure.  One way to achieve this is to fill up the vagina thoroughly (that's how our excessively well-endowed brethren have such an easy time) with an object moving in and out of it.  That doesn't mean that the rest of us can't do the same job; we just have to learn how.
    The first step is to find the G-spot of the woman you're with.  My best guess of the method is to ask for her help, and do it by hand.  It's pretty far in there, so you'll be up to your knuckles if you can reach it at all.  Supposedly it feels different ("spongy" is the word often associated with it) but I'm not sure how reliable that is.  My best guess is to feel around until she says you've found it.  Be methodical.  There's only so much space in there, try putting strong pressure on every single point until she responds.
    Once you've found her G-spot, the next step is to try to learn how to stimulate it during sex.  You'll want to push your penis in at sort of an angle so that on the way in you're pushing against the correct spot on the wall of the vagina.  If she's laying on her back, you want the base of your penis to be on a lower level than the opening of her vagina (perhaps get her to sit near the edge of the bed and you stand or kneel beside the bed, possibly kneeling on top of something to adjust height).  If she's leaning forward, you want the base of your penis to be at a higher level than her vagina.  If you're taller than her, that's perfect.  If not, convince her to lean forward or spread her legs or something to adjust the level.
    That being said, most women are most easily stimulated by the clitoris.  Try that first, and only if that fails should you work extra hard for the G-spot.

    Going Down

    It thoroughly annoys me when I hear a man complain that his girlfriend won't give him a blow job.  Cunnilingus (oral sex performed on a woman) seems the most fair exchange for fellatio (oral sex performed on a man).  If you want your girlfriend to go down on you but she doesn't seem willing, how about you offer to take the first turn yourself?
    (If you're worried about how it'll taste, keep some altoids handy.  It'd be hard for any other taste to overpower an altoid, and I've heard that it feels pretty good on the receiving end too.)
    Technique:  When performing oral sex on a woman, focus on the labia and clitoris.  Yes, I know in pornos they usually show a guy putting his tongue in her vagina and she's pretending to get something out of it, but the medical guys say and most women writing on the topic on the internet agree that there are very few nerve endings inside the vagina.  You may think you're trying for the G-spot, but unless you've got a 4 inch tongue like the guy from Kiss, forget about it.  Most women are most sensitive on their clitoris anyway, so focus there.  Before you start for the first time, tell her you want audio feedback (there, yes, no, harder, etc.) because you won't be able to say much.  If you've done everything else right (especially foreplay) then this shouldn't take too terribly long (read: hours instead of days) but if you haven't, settle in for a long job.  (If you want good information on how-to, click here.)


    Above all, remember the psychology of the whole thing.  If she comes to orgasm every time she helps you get there, she has a lot more incentive to try it often doesn't she?  Heck, after a while, you might even find her initiating sex.  That's why it's worth the mental effort to figure out just what it takes to make your woman sexually happy.





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 ©2005 Steven Rehn
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